{"id":5286,"date":"2018-12-19T10:04:18","date_gmt":"2018-12-19T15:04:18","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.silvercentury.org\/?p=5286"},"modified":"2019-04-03T10:47:40","modified_gmt":"2019-04-03T14:47:40","slug":"at-deaths-door-shedding-light-on-how-to-live","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/78.142.243.82\/~silvercentury\/2018\/12\/at-deaths-door-shedding-light-on-how-to-live\/","title":{"rendered":"At Death\u2019s Door, Shedding Light on How to Live"},"content":{"rendered":"

In a moving interview, Bennett describes what\u2019s it like to be told you\u2019re dying of cancer. Talking with journalist Judith Graham of Kaiser Health News<\/a> (KHN), she discusses how knowing that she\u2019s terminally ill has changed her, how she\u2019s coping and why she\u2019s sharing her reactions and the final chapter of her life with the many people who regularly read her blog. This article was developed in part with support from the Silver Century Foundation. KHN posted it on November 8, 2018.<\/em><\/p>\n

Nothing so alters a person as learning you have a terminal illness.<\/p>\n

Ronni Bennett, who writes a popular blog about aging<\/a>, discovered that recently when she heard that cancer had metastasized to her lungs and her peritoneum (a membrane that lines the cavity of the abdomen).<\/p>\n

There is no cure for your condition, Bennett was told by doctors, who estimated she might have six to eight months of good health before symptoms began to appear.<\/p>\n

Right then and there, this 77-year-old resolved to start doing things differently\u2014something many people might be inclined to do in a similar situation.<\/p>\n

No more extended exercise routines every morning, a try-to-stay-healthy activity that Bennett had forced herself to adopt but disliked intensely.<\/p>\n

No more watching her diet, which had allowed her to shed 40 pounds several years ago and keep the weight off, with considerable effort.<\/p>\n

No more worrying about whether memory lapses were normal or an early sign of dementia\u2014an irrelevant issue now.<\/p>\n

No more pretending that the clich\u00e9 \u201cwe\u2019re all terminal\u201d (since death awaits all of us) is especially insightful. This abstraction has nothing to do with the reality of knowing, in your gut, that your own death is imminent, Bennett realized.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt colors everything,\u201d she told me in a long and wide-ranging conversation recently. \u201cI\u2019ve always lived tentatively, but I\u2019m not anymore because the worst has happened\u2014I\u2019ve been told I\u2019m going to die.\u201d<\/p>\n

No more listening to medical advice from friends and acquaintances, however well-intentioned. Bennett has complete trust in her medical team at Oregon Health & Science University, which has treated her since diagnosing pancreatic cancer last year. She\u2019s done with responding politely to people who think they know better, she said.<\/p>\n

And no more worrying, even for a minute, what anyone thinks of her. As Bennett wrote in a recent blog post<\/a>, \u201cAll kinds of things \u2026 fall away at just about the exact moment the doctor says, \u2018There is no treatment.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

Four or five times a day, a wave of crushing fear washes through her, Bennett told me. She breathes deeply and lets it pass. And no, psychotherapy isn\u2019t something she wants to consider.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat has been most helpful and touched me most are the friends who are willing to let me talk about this.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n

–Ronni Bennett<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Instead, she\u2019ll feel whatever it is she needs to feel\u2014and learn from it. This is how she wants to approach death, Bennett said: alert, aware, lucid. \u201cDying is the last great adventure we have\u2014the last bit of life\u2014and I want to experience it as it happens,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n

Writing is, for Bennett, a necessity, the thing she wants to do more than anything during this last stage of her life. For decades, it\u2019s been her way of understanding the world\u2014and herself.<\/p>\n

In a notebook, Bennett has been jotting down thoughts and feelings as they come to her. Some she already has shared in a series of blog posts<\/a> about her illness. Some she\u2019s saving for the future.<\/p>\n

There are questions she hasn\u2019t figured out how to answer yet.<\/p>\n

\u201cCan I still watch trashy TV shows?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow do I choose what books to read, given that my time is finite?<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do I think about [rational] suicide?\u201d (Physician-assisted death is an option in Oregon, where Bennett lives.)<\/p>\n

Along with her \u201cI\u2019m done with that\u201d list, Bennett has a list of what she wants to embrace.<\/p>\n

Ice cream and cheese, her favorite foods.<\/p>\n

Walks in the park near her home.<\/p>\n

Get-togethers with her public affairs discussion group.<\/p>\n

A romp with kittens or puppies licking her and making her laugh.<\/p>\n

A sense of normalcy, for as long as possible. \u201cWhat I want is my life, very close to what it is,\u201d she explained.<\/p>\n

Deep conversations with friends. \u201cWhat has been most helpful and touched me most are the friends who are willing to let me talk about this,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n

Dozens of readers have responded with shock, sadness and gratitude for Bennett\u2019s honesty.<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

On her blog<\/a>, she has invited readers to \u201cask any questions at all\u201d and made it clear she welcomes frank communication.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m new to this\u2014this dying thing\u2014and there\u2019s no instruction book. I\u2019m kind of fascinated by what you do with yourself during this period, and questions help me figure out what I think,\u201d she told me.<\/p>\n

Recently, a reader asked Bennett if she was angry about her cancer. No, Bennett answered<\/a>. \u201cEarly on, I read about some cancer patients who get hung up on \u2018why me?\u2019 My response was \u2018why not me?\u2019 Most of my family died of cancer, and 40 percent of all Americans will have some form of cancer during their lives.\u201d<\/p>\n

Dozens of readers have responded with shock, sadness and gratitude for Bennett\u2019s honesty about subjects that usually aren\u2019t discussed in public.<\/p>\n

\u201cBecause she\u2019s writing about her own experiences in detail and telling people how she feels, people are opening up and relaying their experiences\u2014things that maybe they\u2019ve never said to anyone before,\u201d Millie Garfield, 93, a devoted reader and friend of Bennett\u2019s, told me in a phone conversation.<\/p>\n

Garfield\u2019s parents never talked about illness and death the way Bennett is doing. \u201cI didn\u2019t have this close communication with them, and they never opened up to me about all the things Ronni is talking about,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n

For the last year, Bennett and her former husband, Alex Bennett, have broadcast video conversations every few weeks over YouTube. (He lives across the country in New York City.) \u201cWhat you\u2019ve written will be valuable as a document of somebody\u2019s life and how to leave it,\u201d he told her recently<\/a> as they talked about her condition with poignancy and laughter.<\/p>\n

Other people may have very different perspectives as they take stock of their lives upon learning they have a terminal illness. Some may not want to share their innermost thoughts and feelings; others may do so willingly or if they feel other people really want to listen.<\/p>\n

During the past 15 years, Bennett chose to live her life out loud through her blog. For the moment, she\u2019s as committed as ever to doing that.<\/p>\n

\u201cThere\u2019s very little about dying from the point of view of someone who\u2019s living that experience,\u201d she said. \u201cThis is one of the very big deals of aging and, absolutely, I\u2019ll keep writing about this as long as I want to or can.\u201d<\/p>\n

KHN\u2019s coverage of these topics is supported by John A. Hartford Foundation,<\/a> Gordon and Betty Moore Foundation<\/a> and The Silver Century Foundation.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Nothing so alters a person as learning you have a terminal illness.<\/p>\n

Ronni Bennett, who writes a popular blog about aging<\/a>, discovered that recently when she heard that cancer had metastasized to her lungs and her peritoneum (a membrane that lines the cavity of the abdomen).<\/p>\n

Read more At Death\u2019s Door, Shedding Light on How to Live<\/span> ›<\/span><\/a><\/div>\n

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