Becoming a grandparent is one of life\u2019s major turning points. There are new lessons to learn.<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\nGrandparents are also dealing with a trend that sociologists have noted: a \u201clonger runway\u201d for the current generation of young adults on the way to independence. As a group, today\u2019s young adults leave home, get full-time jobs and marry at a much later age than previous generations. When these not-yet-independent adults become parents\u2014often, single parents\u2014they turn to their own parents for help with child care and money.<\/p>\n
Spencer, now 56, was fiercely independent at an earlier age than her daughters, who moved home as adults.<\/p>\n
\u201cInstead of saying, \u2018Mom, I need diapers,\u2019 and expecting her to pay, I would\u2019ve wrapped my kids in a towel,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n
Ultimately, things did return to normal for Spencer. Today, her three adult children are independent and in happy, stable relationships. Her nine grandchildren, age five months to 16, are doing well too. When her daughter remarries a few months from now, she\u2019ll add two stepgrandchildren to her brood. These days, Spencer\u2019s role as a grandmother is focused on babysitting on weekends, which she relishes. She has no regrets about helping out when she did.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t think my daughters gave much thought to it at the time, but now they\u2019re so grateful for all that I did, both physically and financially.\u201d<\/p>\n
Walking the Line<\/strong><\/p>\nBecoming a grandparent is a major life turning point, one that involves learning to step back and let the grandchildren\u2019s parents take charge. Even for grandparents who provide regular child care, most experts advise against interfering or enforcing rules that conflict with those of the grandkids\u2019 parents.<\/p>\n
\u201cGiving advice is not what you do,\u201d said Cox, who has three grandchildren herself. When the grandparent doesn\u2019t agree with the parents\u2019 rules (unless there\u2019s something that poses a clear danger to the child\u2019s health and safety), \u201cit\u2019s really important that grandparents support the parents,\u201d Cox said. \u201cOtherwise, it\u2019s giving too many mixed messages. Every family has to work that out.\u201d<\/p>\n
In response to parenting practices they don\u2019t like, Cox joked that she and her friends have mastered what she calls \u201cthe neutral \u2018Ohhh\u2019\u201d\u2014the ability to respond without comment.<\/p>\n
\u201cIf a grandparent starts to interfere or give unsolicited advice, parents are likely to take offense,\u201d she said. \u201cIt can be threatening, make the parents feel as if they are not doing a good job and, in the extreme, it can harm relationships.\u201d<\/p>\n
Cox encourages grandparents to advise only when asked, \u201cand then to say, \u2018What do you think?\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n
Financial Challenges<\/strong><\/p>\nMany grandparents step in to help their grandchildren financially, which poses its own pitfalls. According to the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau (CFPB), the number of people 60 and older carrying student loan debt\u2014either as the primary loan holders or as cosigners\u2014quadrupled from 700,000 to 2.8 million between 2005 and 2015. That figure includes older adults who are carrying their own student debt later into life, but also the growing number of parents and grandparents financing their children\u2019s and grandchildren\u2019s college educations.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat can be detrimental to the grandparents\u2019 finances, so that they don\u2019t have enough in retirement savings,\u201d said Ted Rossman, an industry analyst for CreditCard.com, a consumer information website. \u201cYou can get loans for college, but you can\u2019t get loans for retirement.\u201d He adds that grandparents who overextend themselves financially to help pay for college could end up needing financial support later from children or grandchildren. Rossman\u2019s advice: \u201cIt\u2019s nice to be generous. But know what you can actually afford.\u201d<\/p>\n
Great-Grandparent Boom<\/strong><\/p>\nDespite the challenges, today\u2019s grandparents also enjoy many advantages. Overall, they represent the most educated, healthy and active generation of grandparents in history.<\/p>\n
And in a growing number of families, grandparents have another layer of support: great-grandparents. No major survey or Census Bureau tabulation provides hard data on the number of great-grandparents living in the United States, but demographers believe that a \u201cgreat-grandparent boom\u201d is on the horizon as lifespans increase. Ken Wachter, emeritus professor of demography and statistics, University of California, Berkeley, estimates that by 2030, more than 70 percent of eight-year-olds will likely have a living great-grandparent.<\/p>\n
Nathan Ivey, 91, doesn\u2019t remember his own grandparents, who had all passed away by the time he was five. But he does remember the exact day and time he and his wife, Dorothy, 96, became great-grandparents: April 26, 2018, at 10:56 pm, when his great-grandson AJ was born.<\/p>\n
Although he was involved in his grandchildren\u2019s lives, Ivey said, \u201cI was still employed, and still very busy, when all four of our grandchildren were born.\u201d<\/p>\n
Having retired at age 86, Ivey is now on a more relaxed schedule, and he and Dorothy look forward to frequent playdates with AJ, who lives about 15 miles away.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe has captured our hearts,\u201d he said. \u201cBy the time he was five months old, he could recognize us when we would come to see him. That was so exciting.\u201d<\/p>\n
Reaping the Rewards <\/strong><\/p>\nFor many, involvement with grandchildren offers a sense of purpose and engagement as well as fun. That may explain why at least one study suggested that those grandparents who provide care occasionally for grandchildren are less vulnerable to dementia.<\/p>\n
Grandparenting duties have certainly motivated Fred Frawley, 76, a nearly retired attorney, to stay active and healthy. In 2003, his doctor recommended a hip replacement but advised him to postpone the surgery as long as possible, until he absolutely needed it. That day came in 2008, following the birth of his grandson, Zach.<\/p>\n
\u201cAs soon as I realized Zach was getting mobile, I went ahead with the surgery,\u201d Frawley said.<\/p>\n
Staying physically fit has enabled Frawley and his wife, Sharon, to play a big role in the lives of their two grandchildren, Zach, now 11, and Kate, seven. They pick up the kids from school a couple of days a week, sometimes shuttling them to activities or doctor appointments, or caring for a sick child at home. The couple takes on an even bigger role during the summers, when school is out.<\/p>\n
The relationship he shares with his grandchildren is much closer and more involved than the one Frawley remembers with his own grandparents. He and his grandson are both history buffs; Frawley helps the boy research history projects for school.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe love being involved with the grandchildren,\u201d Frawley said. \u201cWe get to send them home at night, and then we sleep very well.\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
As a divorced, single mom, Karen Spencer thought she was done raising children when her son and two daughters grew up and left home. It didn\u2019t work out that way.<\/p>\n
Read more New Challenges for Grandparents<\/span> ›<\/span><\/a><\/div>\n<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":13,"featured_media":5403,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"ngg_post_thumbnail":0,"_FSMCFIC_featured_image_caption":"","_FSMCFIC_featured_image_nocaption":null,"_FSMCFIC_featured_image_hide":null,"footnotes":""},"categories":[5,20,1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-5399","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-getting-older","category-supports","category-voices-views"],"cc_featured_image_caption":{"caption_text":"","source_text":"","source_url":""},"wps_subtitle":"Often idealized, grandparenting is more complicated than ever before","_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/78.142.243.82\/~silvercentury\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5399","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/78.142.243.82\/~silvercentury\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/78.142.243.82\/~silvercentury\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/78.142.243.82\/~silvercentury\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/13"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/78.142.243.82\/~silvercentury\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=5399"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"http:\/\/78.142.243.82\/~silvercentury\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5399\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":6890,"href":"http:\/\/78.142.243.82\/~silvercentury\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5399\/revisions\/6890"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/78.142.243.82\/~silvercentury\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/5403"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/78.142.243.82\/~silvercentury\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=5399"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/78.142.243.82\/~silvercentury\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=5399"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/78.142.243.82\/~silvercentury\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=5399"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}