{"id":5635,"date":"2019-07-23T12:22:02","date_gmt":"2019-07-23T16:22:02","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.silvercentury.org\/?p=5635"},"modified":"2019-07-25T12:46:43","modified_gmt":"2019-07-25T16:46:43","slug":"reaching-out-for-help-and-where-to-find-it","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/78.142.243.82\/~silvercentury\/2019\/07\/reaching-out-for-help-and-where-to-find-it\/","title":{"rendered":"Reaching Out for Help and Where to Find It"},"content":{"rendered":"

Bill gave very attentive care to his wife, Deborah, who had Alzheimer’s <\/span>disease. Their son lived a couple of hours away and came to lend a hand every few weeks. Otherwise, Bill did everything himself.<\/span><\/p>\n

When I suggested he might need some help, Bill looked surprised.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI want to do this! This is what I\u2019m supposed to do,\u201d he said. \u201cYou know, \u2018in sickness and in health.\u2019 I\u2019ll only get help if I can\u2019t do it anymore.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Robert B. Santulli, a psychiatrist who focuses on the Alzheimer\u2019s family, and Kesstan Blandin, a psychologist, both at Dartmouth, write about care partners like Bill in their book, <\/span>The Emotional Journey of the Alzheimer\u2019s Family<\/span><\/i> (2015). They say that instead of asking, \u201cIs it <\/span>possible <\/span><\/i>for me to do this all alone?\u201d these devoted partners need to ask, \u201cIs it <\/span>best <\/span><\/i>for me (and the person with Alzheimer\u2019s) if I do this all alone?\u201d Santulli and Kesstan add, with understatement, \u201cAn exhausted or irritated care partner is not in a good frame of mind to care for someone with Alzheimer\u2019s disease.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Too many Alzheimer\u2019s caregivers manage alone\u2014<\/span>41 percent have no help from family<\/span><\/a>. Friends seem caught up in their own lives. Caregivers can become more and more isolated.<\/span><\/p>\n

If that\u2019s your situation, it\u2019s worth swallowing your pride and reaching out to your friends. Many people would be glad to help if they only knew what you needed. Hard as it is to do, if you speak up and say to a friend, \u201cI need someone to sit with my mother while I go to the store,\u201d chances are she (or he) will do it. And because doing something for others makes us feel good, she may even be glad you asked.<\/span><\/p>\n

However, outsiders are often afraid they won\u2019t know what to say or do with a person diagnosed with Alzheimer\u2019s. You can teach your friend by giving her a chance to be with you and your loved one. She\u2019ll learn from watching you. All three of you will benefit when she becomes more comfortable.<\/span><\/p>\n

For people with Alzheimer\u2019s, eventually the usual social activities can become too challenging. They still need social interaction, but in a context that doesn\u2019t leave them feeling unable to keep up. A good adult day program can provide what they need. <\/span><\/p>\n

When my mother and I were living with her Alzheimer\u2019s, both of us benefitted when I took her to an adult day center two days a week. I got a break from caregiving, and in a fail-safe environment she gained a sense of competence. The day center staff could see her remaining strengths\u2014her desire to help others and her sociability\u2014and encouraged them.<\/span><\/p>\n

Contact with the professional staff of a day program can also help you in other ways. Problems you are stuck on are likely to be problems they have encountered dozens of times, and they\u2019ll be glad to give you some fresh ideas.<\/span><\/p>\n

But perhaps the most fertile ground for getting new ideas is an Alzheimer\u2019s caregiver support group. When you join a group, you find people who have faced something very much like what you are facing. It can feel like \u201cHome at last!\u201d to spend that first hour with people who really do know what you are going through.<\/span><\/p>\n

And support groups aren\u2019t all problems and gloom. These are people with whom you can laugh as well as cry about your troubles. <\/span><\/p>\n

There will come a time when it\u2019s no longer safe to leave your loved one alone. An indicator of that is when you get home and find her (or him) upset and wondering where you have been\u2014even though you left a note to remind her. The danger is that people with memory problems can become anxious when left alone and may leave home to look for their care partner. Or if something happens like a kitchen fire, they may not recognize it as an emergency or know how to respond to it.  <\/span><\/p>\n

The common solutions that allow caregivers a break are, unfortunately, ones people with Alzheimer\u2019s are likely\u2014for good reason\u2014to oppose. Many times they can\u2019t see their own failing abilities, so they are likely to think it\u2019s absurd that you want them to have a \u201cbaby sitter\u201d or spend time at a day center. <\/span><\/p>\n

Both solutions\u2014someone to keep them company or a day program\u2014may feel like a blow to their independence, or an invasion of their privacy. Or they may focus on the cost.<\/span><\/p>\n

Do listen very carefully to your loved one\u2019s fears and reasons. Let him (or her)  know you understand what he\u2019s feeling. Knowing he\u2019s understood can go a long way toward gaining his cooperation.<\/span><\/p>\n

The truth is, you need to keep him safe so that you won\u2019t worry. If you say, \u201cI love you, and I worry about you when I go out. I need you to do this for me,\u201d you take responsibility for needing help, rather than calling attention to his failings. You preserve his dignity.<\/span><\/p>\n

If no relative or friend is available to keep your loved one company, you\u2019ll need to hire a companion. Later on, you may need help with his personal care too. (See the list of resources at the end of this blog for ways to find home-help services and for a link to a description of levels of help.)<\/span><\/p>\n

There are many agencies, and some are excellent. If you are in a support group, ask the facilitator or other members for suggestions based on their experience. And when you call the agency, ask if they have someone particularly good at relating to a person with dementia. <\/span><\/p>\n

Most agencies have female and male carers, so if you think your husband or father would prefer a man helping him, be sure to ask. I knew one woman who made it clear <\/span>she<\/span><\/i> preferred a man.<\/span><\/p>\n

Don\u2019t hesitate to try a few different aides to find one who clicks with your loved one. You might stay home during a new caregiver\u2019s first visit. If things go well, you can leave for a short while on the second visit, making sure your loved one understands you\u2019ll be back soon. <\/span><\/p>\n

Day programs, home helpers, relatives or friends can all give you a break, which allows you to remember who you are outside of caregiving, to reconnect with friends, go shopping, visit a doctor, attend a support group, do tasks you can more easily do by yourself\u2014or to simply feel free for however short a time. <\/span><\/p>\n

In addition, time spent away from <\/span>you<\/span><\/i> broadens your loved one\u2019s social world and leads him into accepting help from someone other than you.<\/span><\/p>\n

Even with help, caregiving can grind you down. Loneliness, anger, anxiety, depression or insomnia are all signs it\u2019s time to reach out to a counselor. Ask your doctor for a recommendation. Your support group facilitator may also know of someone who has been particularly helpful to others facing caregiving stress. <\/span><\/p>\n

Giving care to the point of exhaustion puts your physical and mental health in danger, jeopardizing your very ability to continue. On the other hand, getting help with caregiving is a way to take better control of your situation. It can restore some order to your life. And you\u2019ll be able to keep your loved one at home for longer if you do all you can to avoid burnout\u2014by starting early to get help at home. <\/span><\/p>\n

Where to look for help<\/b><\/p>\n

Eldercare.gov<\/span><\/a> will help you find your local Area Agency on Aging, which has information about services and subsidies available in your area. <\/span><\/p>\n

Alz.org\/help-support\/caregiving\/care-options\/in-home-care<\/span><\/a> takes you to an article on choosing an in-home care provider. It describes the levels of service available. <\/span><\/p>\n

Alz.org\/help-support\/online-tools<\/span><\/a> can connect you to a social networking community, a tool to assess your needs, a community resource finder, and a clinical trial matching service.<\/span><\/p>\n

Alzheimer\u2019s Association Helpline, 1-800-272-3900, is available 24\/7 with support and information.<\/span><\/p>\n

Caregiver.va.gov<\/a><\/span> is a Veterans Affairs site with support for caregivers and links for many services available to veterans.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Bill gave very attentive care to his wife, Deborah, who had Alzheimer’s disease. Their son lived a couple of hours away and came to lend a hand every few weeks. Otherwise, Bill did everything himself. When I suggested he might…<\/span><\/p>\n

Read more Reaching Out for Help and Where to Find It<\/span> ›<\/span><\/a><\/div>\n

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