{"id":6045,"date":"2020-05-27T08:02:54","date_gmt":"2020-05-27T12:02:54","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.silvercentury.org\/?p=6045"},"modified":"2020-05-28T12:40:09","modified_gmt":"2020-05-28T16:40:09","slug":"parenting-your-aging-parents","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/78.142.243.82\/~silvercentury\/2020\/05\/parenting-your-aging-parents\/","title":{"rendered":"Parenting Your Aging Parents"},"content":{"rendered":"

You can see that your parents are having difficulties, perhaps even running risks they shouldn\u2019t, but they\u2019re quite sure they can manage. What can\u2014and should\u2014you do? Writing for <\/span><\/i>Kaiser Health News<\/span> (KHN)<\/span>, journalist Judith Graham consults some experts for advice on a problem many families confront. Her article was posted on <\/span><\/i>the KHN website<\/a><\/span><\/i> on Dec. 19, 2019.<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

David Solie\u2019s 89-year-old mother, Carol, was unyielding. \u201cNo, I will not move,\u201d she told her son every time he suggested that she leave her home and relocate to a senior-living residence.<\/span><\/p>\n

And it didn\u2019t stop there. Although Carol suffered from coronary artery disease, severe osteoporosis, spinal compression fractures and unsteady balance, she didn\u2019t want assistance. When Solie brought in aides to help after a bad fall and subsequent surgery, his mother fired them in a matter of days.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIn her mind, she considered it a disgrace to have anybody in her home,\u201d Solie said. \u201cThis was her domain for over 50 years, a place where she did everything by herself and in her own way.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Conflicts of this sort often threaten relationships between aging parents and their adult children just when understanding and support are needed the most. Instead of working together to solve problems, families find themselves feuding and riven by feelings of resentment and distress.<\/span><\/p>\n

Solie got so worked up, he considered going to court and asking for a conservatorship\u2014a legal arrangement that would have given him control over his mother\u2019s affairs. (The situation was complicated because Solie\u2019s brother, who has Down syndrome, lived at the family home.) But Solie\u2019s lawyer advised that this course of action would destroy his relationship with his mother.<\/span><\/p>\n

Ask your parents how <\/b>they\u2019d <\/i><\/b>prefer to solve problems and what their priorities are. <\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Today, Solie, a health care consultant and writer with a <\/span>well-regarded blog about aging<\/a>,<\/span> sounds the same theme when he consults with adult children caring for parents. Make preserving trust and keeping your relationship intact\u2014not winning arguments\u2014a priority, he suggests. What your parents most need is confidence that you\u2019ll listen to them, take their concerns seriously and stay by their side no matter what happens, he says.<\/span><\/p>\n

How adult children communicate with parents can go a long way toward easing tensions, Solie says. Instead of telling your parents what to do, ask how they\u2019d prefer to solve problems. Elicit their priorities and recognize their values when making suggestions. Give them choices whenever possible. Be attuned to their unexpressed needs and fears.<\/span><\/p>\n

When Dr. Lee Lindquist, chief of geriatrics at Northwestern University\u2019s Feinberg School of Medicine, asked 68 older adults in eight focus groups why they resisted help, the answers varied. They said they were afraid of losing their independence, becoming a burden on loved ones, being taken advantage of, and relinquishing control over their lives.<\/span><\/p>\n

Asked what might make a difference, the older adults said they liked the idea of \u201cinterdependence\u201d\u2014acknowledging that people need one another from childhood to older age. And they found it helpful to think that \u201cby accepting help, they were in turn helping the person providing the help,\u201d according to <\/span>Lindquist\u2019s study<\/span><\/a>, published last year in the <\/span>Journal of the American Geriatrics Society<\/span><\/i>.<\/span><\/p>\n

Unfortunately, no amount of patience, compassion or forbearance will work in some conflict-ridden circumstances. But here\u2019s some of what experts have learned:<\/span><\/p>\n

Be patient. Give your parents time to adjust. <\/b>At first, Jane Wolf Frances\u2019 87-year-old mother, Lillian Wolf, wouldn\u2019t consider moving with Jane\u2019s father from New York City to the Los Angeles area, where Frances, her only child, lived.<\/span><\/p>\n

Although Lillian had Alzheimer\u2019s disease, and Frances had planned to give her one-story house to her parents, \u201cI deferred to my mother\u2019s fear that she was going to be losing something essential,\u201d she said.<\/span><\/p>\n

During three years of caregiving, Frances had learned to not rush her parents. She knew they had slowed down and needed time to process change.<\/span><\/p>\n

So Frances waited until her parent\u2019s home health aide called with concerns about their ability to live independently. After discussing the situation with their physician, Frances approached her mother again. A move to assisted living would be a fresh start, allowing the family to spend more time together, she said. After several conversations, her mother finally agreed.<\/span><\/p>\n

Frances, a psychologist, is the author of a new book, <\/span>Parenting Our Parents: Transforming the Challenge into a Journey of Love,<\/span><\/i> and founder of <\/span>www.parentingourparents.org<\/a>.<\/span> Stay calm when disagreements arise with your elderly parents and tamp down your emotional reactions, she tells families. Listen carefully to your parents\u2019 concerns and let them know you\u2019re trying to help them accomplish their goals, not impose your agenda.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s often helpful to say to your parents \u2018I\u2019m doing this for you; I\u2019d like you to do something for me,\u2019\u201d Frances said. \u201cPeople who are good parents perk up on that one and will ask, \u2018OK, what can I do for you?\u2019 Then you can tell them, \u2018You can let me help you more.\u2019\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Let them know you\u2019re on their side.<\/b> Denise Brown was convinced her parents, Roger and Sally Loeffler, were making a terrible decision. In the previous year, Roger, 84, had been diagnosed with bladder and prostate cancer and undergone extensive surgery. Sally, 81, had suffered three internal bleeds and had one-third of her stomach removed.<\/span><\/p>\n

Brown didn\u2019t think they could live on their own anymore, and her parents had moved into a retirement community upon her recommendation. But then, at a family meeting, her mother stood up and said, \u201cI\u2019m not dying in this dump. I hate it here.\u201d As Brown and her siblings turned to their father, he said, \u201cI\u2019ll do whatever your mom wants.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

When her parents decided to move to an apartment, Brown was confrontational. \u201cI raised my voice and said, \u2018This is not good, this is terrible,\u2019\u201d she said. \u201cThey were shocked, but they said \u2018It doesn\u2019t matter; this is what we\u2019re going to do.\u2019\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

As Brown thought about her reaction, she realized she thought her parents would be safer and have a more \u201cgentle\u201d death in the retirement community. \u201cThen it occurred to me\u2014this wasn\u2019t what my parents wanted. They valued their independence. It\u2019s their decision about how the end of life plays out.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

It doesn\u2019t work to try to communicate when your parents are tired or angry. <\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Brown let her parents know she\u2019d respect their wishes but would need to set limits. Her work\u2014Brown is the founder of <\/span>www.CareGiving.com<\/a>\u2014<\/span>had to be a priority, and her parents would need to arrange other assistance if she couldn\u2019t be available. (Brown\u2019s two brothers and sister help out.) And they\u2019d have to be willing to talk openly about how their choices were affecting her.<\/span><\/p>\n

What doesn\u2019t work: trying to communicate when any one of them is tired or angry. \u201cWe never get anywhere,\u201d Brown said. \u201cEverybody gets defensive and shuts down.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

What does work: \u201cAsking them questions like how do you think we should try to solve this problem? It\u2019s interesting to hear their answers, and it makes working together so much easier.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Stop expecting your parents to be as they used to be.<\/b> After her father\u2019s death, Loi Eberle was distraught when her mother, Lucille Miller, became involved with a man she and her siblings didn\u2019t like. With his encouragement, Miller invested in real estate and lost a great deal of money.<\/span><\/p>\n

But nothing Eberle or her siblings said could convince her mother that this relationship was destructive.<\/span><\/p>\n

Eberle struggled with resentment and anger as her mother\u2019s needs escalated after a heart attack and a diagnosis of myasthenia gravis, a severe neurological disease. \u201cMom and I had this love\/hate relationship all my life, and there was a huge need for healing in this relationship,\u201d she said.<\/span><\/p>\n

In 2012, Eberle moved Miller, then 89, from her longtime home in Minneapolis to a nursing home in northern Idaho, near where Eberle lives. Gradually, she realized that her mother \u201chad transitioned to being someone else\u201d\u2014someone who was vulnerable and at her life\u2019s end.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI think for a long time I had this idea that I was going to help Mom come back to who she was, and I spent a lot of time trying to do that,\u201d Eberle said. \u201cI finally had to forgive myself for failure and understand that this is the life process.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

With this shift in perspective, emotional tension dissipated. \u201cWhen I\u2019d visit, my mother was always so happy to see me,\u201d Eberle said. Miller died in March 2017 at age 94.<\/span><\/p>\n

Letting go of unrealistic expectations can defuse conflicts. This is the final stage of your journey with your parents. Try to put angst to one side and help make this time meaningful for them and for you. Most of all, your parents want to feel emotionally connected and accepted, even in a diminished state.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

David Solie\u2019s 89-year-old mother, Carol, was unyielding. \u201cNo, I will not move,\u201d she told her son every time he suggested that she leave her home and relocate to a senior-living residence.<\/span><\/p>\n

Read more Parenting Your Aging Parents<\/span> ›<\/span><\/a><\/div>\n

<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":41,"featured_media":6046,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"ngg_post_thumbnail":0,"_FSMCFIC_featured_image_caption":"","_FSMCFIC_featured_image_nocaption":null,"_FSMCFIC_featured_image_hide":null,"footnotes":""},"categories":[49,4,20],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-6045","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-featured","category-issues-in-aging","category-supports"],"cc_featured_image_caption":{"caption_text":"","source_text":"","source_url":""},"wps_subtitle":"What can you do if they refuse the help they obviously need?","_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/78.142.243.82\/~silvercentury\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6045","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/78.142.243.82\/~silvercentury\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/78.142.243.82\/~silvercentury\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/78.142.243.82\/~silvercentury\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/41"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/78.142.243.82\/~silvercentury\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=6045"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"http:\/\/78.142.243.82\/~silvercentury\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6045\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":6073,"href":"http:\/\/78.142.243.82\/~silvercentury\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6045\/revisions\/6073"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/78.142.243.82\/~silvercentury\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/6046"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/78.142.243.82\/~silvercentury\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=6045"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/78.142.243.82\/~silvercentury\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=6045"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/78.142.243.82\/~silvercentury\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=6045"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}