{"id":6935,"date":"2022-05-18T08:04:56","date_gmt":"2022-05-18T12:04:56","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.silvercentury.org\/?p=6935"},"modified":"2022-05-18T08:10:42","modified_gmt":"2022-05-18T12:10:42","slug":"escaping-our-same-age-silos","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/78.142.243.82\/~silvercentury\/2022\/05\/escaping-our-same-age-silos\/","title":{"rendered":"Escaping Our Same-Age Silos"},"content":{"rendered":"

I often point out that age has far less to do with compatibility than we think it does. There are exceptions, of course: reproduction is largely a young person\u2019s game, along with extreme sports. <\/span>Age differences can\u2019t be wished away<\/a>,<\/span> nor should they be, but hanging out mainly with people our own age has more to do with comfort and inertia than with actual affinity, and the habit costs us.<\/span><\/p>\n

I still think that\u2019s the case. But a question that came into my <\/span>Yo, Is This Ageist?<\/span><\/i> blog tempered my thinking. It came from a woman in her late 50s who belongs to a cancer survivors\u2019 group.<\/span> <\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

\u201c<\/span><\/i>The admins regularly schedule events \u2018for survivors under 40\u2019 or for \u2018young survivors,\u2019\u201d she wrote. \u201cSo far they\u2019ve involved trivia games and making appetizers, which would be interesting for just about any adult. I politely pointed out that what they were doing was ageist and suggested they reconsider, but they went radio-silent. It\u2019s so frustrating and demoralizing to be left out simply because of my age. Do I just let this go?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

My first reaction? Hell, no! Perhaps the admins were assuming younger members wouldn\u2019t want to hang out with older ones. Even if so, better to call it out, because when we remain in age (and race and class) silos, prejudice persists. Besides, wouldn\u2019t it make more sense to form affinity groups around commonalities like shared diagnoses or treatments?<\/span><\/p>\n

But not so fast. Before responding, I had the good sense to query two thoughtful, younger friends, also breast cancer survivors. Their responses took me by surprise.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYes, it\u2019s helpful for people who identify as cancer survivors to join all different kinds of groups,\u201d responded Dorian, who joined a bunch of them. \u201cThey were mostly older women (because that\u2019s the biggest demographic), weeping because they might not have grandchildren, while at 26 I was wondering whether I\u2019d even have a child. Or a career, or a <\/span>life<\/span><\/i>.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

It was a group for young adults and partners that Dorian found head and shoulders more helpful than any other. Members had different types of cancers, treatments, and prognoses. The only thing they had in common was the emotional experience of being a young person with cancer, and in the end, for Dorian, that mattered most. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThey addressed things like dealing with parents swooping in at a time when you\u2019re trying to establish independence, breastfeeding, and the <\/span>future<\/span><\/i> [emphasis hers]. One of the things cancer takes away from you is your future, and I think your perspective on that may be different as a 20-something than as a 60-, 70-, or 80-something.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Pam concurred, summing up the issue \u201cin one word: envy. Younger women diagnosed with breast cancer are envious, for many reasons, of women who\u2019ve had more time to establish their lives before this disease creates chaos.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

She found it helpful to sit with women of all ages, but also joined the Young Survival Coalition for women diagnosed at age 40 or younger. \u201cIt was, and continues to be, a very important experience,\u201d she wrote. Members were desperately trying to figure out how the diagnosis would affect their fertility, eligibility for adoption, and employment and financial prospects. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cCancer can be like a bomb hitting your life,\u201d she explained, \u201cand how much you\u2019ve been able to prepare does make a difference.\u201d And while Pam thought all survivors should have the chance to play trivia and make appetizers, \u201cif some \u2026 groups are just for youngers, I hope you can understand why.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

I do now. Even if I didn\u2019t, I\u2019d respect these younger women\u2019s perspectives because it\u2019s their truth. In any case, their response raised new questions. I posed one of them to Lori, the woman whose letter kicked this off: Would she like the option of joining a group of <\/span>older<\/span><\/i> survivors?  <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m just not seeing any advantages for us older people beyond specific topics,\u201d she replied. A group for people who were losing partners of many decades might be for olders. Another, for fertility issues, would target younger people. A third, for caregivers, would be age-agnostic. Trivia and appetizers, optional. Clearly the admins could have done a better job of addressing her query, but that was just the tip of just one iceberg.<\/span><\/p>\n

I reflected some more. Like many age-related questions, the deeper I went, the more complicated and interesting it became. How could it be otherwise when trying to distinguish what\u2019s rare and what\u2019s shared in the context of the one experience\u2014growing older\u2014every human shares? Answers may vary, as they say, depending on the circumstances, number of people, culture, and on and on. But I did arrive at a couple of general observations:<\/span><\/p>\n