{"id":7233,"date":"2023-03-15T07:08:48","date_gmt":"2023-03-15T11:08:48","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.silvercentury.org\/?p=7233"},"modified":"2023-03-16T08:09:27","modified_gmt":"2023-03-16T12:09:27","slug":"friendships-are-good-for-your-health","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/78.142.243.82\/~silvercentury\/2023\/03\/friendships-are-good-for-your-health\/","title":{"rendered":"Friendships Are Good for Your Health"},"content":{"rendered":"

As a human resources executive, Carole Leskin traveled around the world and worked with a diverse group of interesting people. She never married and never had children, but life was full. Then a recession ended her career at age 65. Leskin floundered. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI was out of work, without purpose, bored and desperately lonely,\u201d she said. \u201cSometimes my only human interaction was with someone in line at the supermarket.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

To meet people, Leskin took a class at the Jewish Community Center near her home in Moorestown, NJ. Initial attempts to connect failed; she introduced herself but got nowhere. Finally, she met four women who welcomed her into their group. For years, the group shared countless hours of conversation, lunches and road trips. <\/span><\/p>\n

Then, one by one, all the other women in the group died. Leskin developed health problems that left her homebound. Once again, she was lonely and desperate for connection. <\/span><\/p>\n

Leskin\u2019s struggle is not only common, it has massive societal implications. A growing body of research points to the importance of social connections for the health and well-being of older adults. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIsolation can be as deadly as obesity and smoking,\u201d said Kasley Killam, MPH, a social scientist and the executive director of Social Health Labs, a nonprofit working to address loneliness and social connection. \u201cIn fact, its health consequences cost Medicare an estimated $6.7 billion each year. We need to take better care of older adults\u2019 social well-being.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Social connections were the key predictor of a long, healthy and happy life in the Harvard Study of Adult Development, which began in 1938 and closely followed hundreds of men over the course of their lives. Those in the study who were more socially connected to family, friends and community were happier, physically healthier and lived longer than those who were less connected. Other research links loneliness with greater sensitivity to pain, suppression of the immune system, diminished brain function and less effective sleep. The evidence is so compelling that one expert called loneliness a public health emergency. <\/span><\/p>\n

Since the pandemic, American men are in the middle of a \u201cfriendship recession.\u201d<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

\u201cLoneliness kills,\u201d said Robert Waldinger, MD, the Harvard study\u2019s director. \u201cAnd the sad fact is that at any given time, more than one in five Americans will report that they’re lonely.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Lane McCullough, 61, was one of those lonely people. After his divorce last year, he found himself spending his evenings alone at home, bingeing Netflix or staring at the walls. He tried going to a few bars; that proved expensive and fruitless. He tried a singles group; people in the group didn\u2019t seem friendly. <\/span><\/p>\n

\n

Tips for Making Friends <\/b><\/p>\n

Get involved.<\/b> Volunteer. Sign up for classes. Join a book club. Pick activities that meet regularly, so it\u2019s easier to get to know people. <\/span><\/p>\n

Choose activities that coincide with genuine interests.<\/b> If you don\u2019t find an organization or group that interests you, start something new.<\/span><\/p>\n

Expand your interests. <\/b>Try an activity you\u2019ve never tried before. <\/span><\/p>\n

Be brave.<\/b> Smile. Start a conversation. If you sense a connection, extend an invitation to meet again. <\/span><\/p>\n

Expect some trial and error.<\/b> Don\u2019t take it personally if your efforts are rebuffed. Give it a second or even a third try. <\/span><\/p>\n

Be patient.<\/b> Making friends takes time. Fitting a new friend into your life takes time. It\u2019s worth the effort. <\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s difficult to get and keep friends,\u201d he said. \u201cWhere do you go? What do you do? There\u2019s no guide for this.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

While that\u2019s not strictly the case\u2014books and resources on friendship abound\u2014it\u2019s true that loneliness affects men more than women, according to Killam. One <\/span>study of over 46,000 people<\/span><\/a> in more than 200 countries found that loneliness was more common among men. Post-pandemic, American men are in the middle of a <\/span>\u201cfriendship recession<\/a>.\u201d<\/span> Men\u2019s social circles have shrunk since 1990, and the percentage of men without any close friends has risen. <\/span>     <\/span><\/p>\n

Friendships are especially critical for older adults who don\u2019t have adult children or close family members. Wendl Kornfeld, 74, and her husband have no children. Having cared for their aging mothers, she saw how vulnerable people can become later in life. That inspired her to start Community as Family, an education model for older adults who don\u2019t have children or family, at her synagogue in New York. As participants met weekly to learn to navigate their older years, they naturally formed supportive relationships. After eight years as a group, the members sit shiva together, hold house keys for each other or pick each other up from the hospital. Now Kornfeld advises other nonprofits as they adopt the approach. <\/span><\/p>\n

Making the first move may be daunting or awkward. That\u2019s inevitable. \u201cIf you really want friends, you have to be motivated,\u201d said Kornfeld. \u201cYou\u2019re going to have to get outside your comfort zone. It won\u2019t come naturally. Friends need to be replenished, because life takes them away from you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Challenging at Any Age<\/b><\/p>\n

Making friends is hard for adults of any age. As a young mother in the 1990s, Marla Paul remembers filling out an emergency card for her daughter\u2019s school shortly after a move to a Chicago suburb. There were spaces for three neighborhood contacts; she didn\u2019t have a single name to write. That inspired Paul to write an essay for the <\/span>Chicago Tribune<\/span><\/i>, which sparked a flurry of letters from readers who shared her struggle, and ultimately led Paul to write a book, <\/span>The Friendship Crisis: Finding, Making, and Keeping Friends When You’re Not a Kid Anymore<\/span><\/i> (2005). <\/span><\/p>\n

Almost 30 years later, Paul says it\u2019s still challenging to make friends but in different ways. Her daughter is grown; social connections through her daughter\u2019s school or activities have long disappeared.<\/span><\/p>\n

Sometimes the best way to make friends is to get involved in local groups that are doing things that interest you.<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

\u201cWhen you\u2019re older, you have to be more proactive,\u201d she said. \u201cIf you\u2019re retired, you are not organically seeing people every day on a job. You have to work harder to find people. Virtually every new life chapter has the potential to disrupt friendships: moving, leaving an office to stay home, divorce, the death of a spouse, retirement, illness.\u201d  <\/span><\/p>\n

That was the case for Mina Gupta, 82, a retired microbiologist. She had no trouble making friends until she and her husband moved from the Dallas area to a suburb of Seattle in 2013. The new home was closer to grandchildren, but their social network was thousands of miles away in Texas. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt was horrible,\u201d she said. \u201cI knew almost everyone in the Indian community in the Dallas area. Here, I just couldn\u2019t seem to connect with people.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

For Gupta, the solution was getting involved. She began volunteering at a hospital nursery, snuggling the babies of mothers with substance addictions, which led to friendships with the staff and fellow volunteers. Later, to meet fellow gardeners, she put an invitation on NextDoor (a neighborhood-based social media platform) and started a garden club. <\/span><\/p>\n

Getting involved also helped Donna Bearden, 75, after she and her husband relocated to Loveland, CO, 10 years ago. She found friends by joining and teaching classes in photography, art and writing. It wasn\u2019t hard to meet people, given that those in the classes shared her passions. Bearden adds that she also learned to advocate for herself in group situations to make sure she was connecting. She wears a hearing aid; if she can\u2019t hear well, she\u2019ll ask people at her book club to speak up. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHearing loss can make you feel so isolated and left out,\u201d she said. \u201cIt didn\u2019t come easy, but I\u2019ve learned to be a little bit assertive.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

Fishing for Friends<\/b><\/p>\n

Showing up\u2014whether for a singles group, a volunteer job or a community college class \u2014is a first step but doesn\u2019t automatically lead to friendships. Converting acquaintances into friends requires intentional effort.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cFriend-finding is like fishing,\u201d writes Hope Kelaher, LCSW, in <\/span>Here to Make Friends: How to Make Friends as an Adult<\/span><\/i> (2020). \u201cCasting out the line and, several reels and hooks in, waiting for a bite. And some days \u2026 you don\u2019t catch anything at all.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cFishing\u201d for friends is more effective when approached with intentionality and positivity. Research shows that people who think friendships happen organically\u2014based on luck\u2014are lonelier, according to Marisa Franco, author of <\/span>Platonic: How Understanding Your Attachment Style Can Help You Make and Keep Friends<\/span><\/i> (2022). She advises friend-seekers to beware the \u201cliking gap.\u201d Research shows that, when strangers interact, they\u2019re often more liked by the other person than they assume. By contrast, thinking positively becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhen people do assume others will like them, they tend to become warmer, friendlier and more open,\u201d Franco writes. <\/span><\/p>\n

Developing friendships takes time and effort. One study estimates it takes 50 hours of interaction just to make a casual friend, and 200 hours of time together to create a close friendship. <\/span><\/p>\n

Persistence, along with trial and error, finally paid off for Lane McCullough. He found another singles group, Phase 2 Singles 50+, aimed at fostering friendships, not dating. The group boasts a busy calendar of outings and several subgroups based on different interests. Now McCullough goes out at least twice a week, one night playing pickleball and the other socializing. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s a great group,\u201d he said. \u201cWe just clicked.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

If you\u2019re open to friendships with people who aren\u2019t your age, you\u2019ll have more potential friends to connect with.  <\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Social scientist Killam urges older adults to cultivate habits that strengthen \u201csocial muscles.\u201d Studies show that people feel happier when they spend at least 10 minutes on the phone a few times a week or connect with people five times a day, whether in person, with a text or an email. <\/span><\/p>\n

Kelaher also advises older adults to look beyond their peers for their pool of possible new friends. She cites an acquaintance in her 70s who chatted with younger neighbors and occasionally babysat; now there\u2019s a steady stream of visitors of all ages in her home. <\/span><\/p>\n

When people are open to friendships of any age, \u201cit really expands the universe of potential friends,\u201d adds Irene Levine, a former clinical psychologist and the author of <\/span>Best Friends Forever <\/span><\/i>(2009)<\/span>.<\/span><\/i> Intergenerational friendships also offer extra benefits; younger friends may have different perspectives and may appreciate the wisdom and experience of an older person. <\/span><\/p>\n

In addition, be open to places to find connections: join an exercise class, alumni group, group travel, volunteer project, or local fan groups for sports teams. If possible, select activities that meet several times or on a regular basis, advises Franco. Faces will grow familiar, increasing the chances of connection.<\/span><\/p>\n

Online Lifelines<\/b><\/p>\n

Happily, the Internet opened options for connecting, virtually and in person. During the COVID-19 pandemic, many older adults learned to use new technology platforms, like Zoom and FaceTime. Apps like Meetup, Friender and BarkHappy (for dog lovers) help connect people with common interests. Neighborhood platforms also offer a place to start.<\/span> <\/span><\/p>\n

A word of caution: take care when venturing online to meet people, says Thomas Preininger, LCSW, a counselor at the Ecumenical Center, a mental health agency in San Antonio, TX. Online scammers target lonely older adults: he knows several who lost tens of thousands of dollars to fraudsters who posed as empathetic friends, gained their trust and then asked for money. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIf someone asks you for money, cut them off right away,\u201d he advises.<\/span><\/p>\n

For Carole Leskin, now 77, virtual connections became her lifeline after her friends died. She\u2019s housebound due to a stroke and heart failure but has new friends all over the world. She connects via Facebook and through her blog posts on sites like Jewish Sacred Aging. Virtual acquaintances gradually evolved into close friends; she keeps in touch regularly via Zoom, texts and email. Recently, Leskin talked for hours on the phone with a friend in Melbourne, Australia. They\u2019ve never met in person but share common interests in nature and in wetlands, in particular. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThere is something about this kind of communication that allows for greater sharing,\u201d she said. \u201cIt is more thoughtful, uninterrupted and open. In a way, I am closer to these people than I was to my now deceased friends.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

As a human resources executive, Carole Leskin traveled around the world and worked with a diverse group of interesting people. She never married and never had children, but life was full. Then a recession ended her career at age 65.…<\/span><\/p>\n

Read more Friendships Are Good for Your Health<\/span> ›<\/span><\/a><\/div>\n

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