{"id":7345,"date":"2023-07-11T07:17:47","date_gmt":"2023-07-11T11:17:47","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.silvercentury.org\/?p=7345"},"modified":"2023-07-11T07:20:44","modified_gmt":"2023-07-11T11:20:44","slug":"how-to-preplan-your-own-funeral","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/78.142.243.82\/~silvercentury\/2023\/07\/how-to-preplan-your-own-funeral\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Preplan Your Own Funeral"},"content":{"rendered":"

This is part 2 in our series on funerals. Read part 1 here<\/a><\/span><\/i>.<\/span><\/i> <\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

When Amy Martin\u2019s mother-in-law died last year at the age of 96, the funeral arrangements were easy. Her mother-in-law had discussed her wishes with her two adult children. Everything was specified in writing: the burial plot, the chapel for the funeral service, the hymns to be sung, the scripture to be read, even the brightly colored pantsuit and shoes she wanted to be buried in. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cShe really gave it some care and some thought,\u201d said Martin. \u201cIt was done out of love. She didn\u2019t want any of her kids to have anything to worry about.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

Having seen how smoothly things unfolded, Martin, 66, is glad that she and her husband also have plans in place for their own funerals\u2014with people designated to handle them\u2014especially, given that they don\u2019t have children.  <\/span><\/p>\n

But the Martins are in the minority. While most people agree that preplanning a funeral is a good idea, only about 15 percent of those over age 40 have prepared plans, according to a 2015 Harris Poll survey for the Funeral and Memorial Information Council.<\/span><\/p>\n

Why do so few of us make funeral plans? <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWe live in a death-denying culture,\u201d said Joe Reardon, vice president of marketing at Keohane Funeral Home in the Boston area. \u201cWe don\u2019t talk about death. We can kill dozens of people in seconds on a video game, but otherwise, death is removed from our presence and our conversation. People die in hospitals, not homes. They\u2019re cremated in a crematorium, with no family members present. It\u2019s as if, \u2018If you don\u2019t talk about it, it\u2019s not real.\u2019\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Also, death has no place in a youth-oriented culture that\u2019s averse to emotions like grief, sadness and loss, according to Alan Wolfelt of the Center for Loss and Life Transition. Some families now opt for direct burial or direct cremation, with no viewing, no service and no memorial gathering. Others bypass traditional funerals for festive \u201ccelebrations of life.\u201d Wolfelt has even heard some dismiss somber memorial services as \u201cbarbaric.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWe lack an understanding that there are times in life when it\u2019s appropriate to be sad,\u201d he said. \u201cWe want to go around our grief instead of through it. Funerals are critical rites of passage. Rituals help us when words are inadequate. That\u2019s why we\u2019ve had these ceremonies since the time of the Neanderthals.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

Studies show that a family moves faster through the grief process when a funeral is held.<\/b><\/p>\n

\u2014Randy Anderson<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Procrastination is another factor. If you\u2019re healthy and busy, planning your funeral never rises to the top of your to-do  list. Others avoid planning because, subconsciously, they fear it\u2019ll hasten death. <\/span>Gail Rubin, blogger<\/span><\/a> and author of <\/span>A Good Goodbye: Funeral Planning for Those Who Don’t Plan to Die <\/span><\/i>(2010),<\/span> addresses that fear with a joke: \u201cTalking about sex won\u2019t make you pregnant; talking about funerals won\u2019t make you dead.\u201d  <\/span><\/p>\n

Reardon says many people neglect planning because they \u201cdon\u2019t want to make a fuss,\u201d spurred by a sense of self-deprecation that\u2019s well-intentioned.  <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cGeorge Washington wanted a simple burial, with no fanfare, no oration, no state funeral,\u201d he said. \u201cHe ended up having over 300 funerals. That\u2019s not what he wanted, but that\u2019s what people needed. America was a fledgling nation. He was a war hero.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

Funerals are for the living, adds Randy Anderson, a funeral director who teaches funeral psychology at Jefferson State Community College in Birmingham, AL. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPsychologically, a funeral gives family and friends a chance to talk about the person,\u201d he said. \u201cStudies show that a family moves faster through the grief process when a funeral is held. We\u2019re not made to grieve alone.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

Anderson cherishes stories he heard at his own father\u2019s funeral. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cMy father had always kept a $100 bill in his pocket,\u201d he said. \u201cIt was his way of being prepared to help people in trouble. At his funeral, I heard so many stories I\u2019d never heard before from people who said my dad had given them $100 after a house burned down or after a death in the family.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

While many efforts have emerged in recent decades\u2014such as <\/span>The Conversation Project<\/span><\/a> and <\/span>Death Over Dinner<\/span><\/a>\u2014to reduce that fear and stigma, and to encourage people to talk openly about death and end-of-life wishes, it seems we have a ways to go before the process is an easier one.<\/span><\/p>\n

A Big Buy<\/b><\/p>\n

For many of us, a funeral will be the third-largest purchase we\u2019ll ever make, exceeded only by buying a home or car. In 2021, the national median cost of a funeral with a viewing and burial was approximately $7,848 (or $6,971 for a funeral with cremation), according to a study by the National Funeral Directors Association (NFDA.) <\/span><\/p>\n

While homes and cars are typically purchased after comparison shopping and much planning, most funerals are arranged within days after a death, while the planner is in the fog of grief. Within hours of a death, the family must choose a funeral home or otherwise specify a place to send the remains. <\/span><\/p>\n

Funerals pose a significant financial burden on many families. When arrangements are made \u201cat need,\u201d the burden is likely to be worse. Studies show that families who\u2019ve discussed final arrangements prior to death incurred much lower costs than families that did not. Without time pressures, and without the presence of raw grief, consumers can ask for less expensive options, compare prices and clearly understand what is required versus what would be nice to have.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhen a person dies, there are about 125 decisions that have to be made almost immediately,\u201d said Anderson, who is also a former president of the NFDA. \u201cWill the deceased be buried or cremated? Where and when will the service take place? Who will speak? What music will be played?\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

Most people making funeral decisions have no experience and no clear grasp of what\u2019s involved. <\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

All of this happens while the family is grieving and possibly grappling with trauma, family conflict or feelings of guilt, according to Rubin.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPeople don’t shop around ahead of need,\u201d she said. \u201cSo when somebody drops dead, it’s like, \u2018Oh my God, I need a burial plot,\u2019 and \u2018Oh my God, I need a funeral.\u2019 And that is not the time to be shopping around if you want to compare prices and to be an informed consumer.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Most people make these decisions with no experience. Many don\u2019t even have a clear grasp of the basic components involved in funeral arrangements. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019ve had [older adult] clients who assumed they\u2019d prepaid the bulk of the cost of a funeral, because they\u2019d already purchased a cemetery plot,\u201d said Carl Burlbaw, director of the Elder Financial Safety Center at the Senior Source, a nonprofit in Dallas. \u201cThey didn\u2019t understand that there\u2019s also the cost of a casket, a vault, opening and closing the grave, not to mention the cost of embalming and a funeral service. <\/span>  <\/span><\/p>\n

Preplanning also ensures your wishes are followed and your spiritual or religious beliefs are honored. That helps a family avoid conflicts, according to Richard Paskin, managing partner at Funeralwise.com, a funeral planning website. If a parent dies without having expressed their wishes, he said, \u201cOne adult child wants to bury the deceased, another wants to cremate. One wants a no-frills funeral, the other wants a fancy one. With preplanning, you\u2019ve at least taken some of the pressure off the family.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Preplanning can help family members avoid last-minute scrambling by assembling information, such as details for the obituary or the names of chosen pallbearers. Pre-need planning is also key for solo agers\u2014elders without children or surviving family members, who may not have an obvious heir to step in to handle arrangements.  <\/span><\/p>\n

Steps in Preplanning<\/b><\/p>\n

Planning a funeral starts with two basic decisions: First, what do you want to do with your body? Today, families have a <\/span>wide range of options<\/span><\/a>: a traditional burial, cremation, green burial or burial at sea. <\/span><\/p>\n

Secondly, what do you want the funeral service to entail? People may work with a funeral home or turn to online resources, such as Funeralwise.com, to explore their options. The NFDA offers RememberingALife.com, with a list of questions to consider for the funeral service, such as: \u201cWhat music would you like played? Are there any special readings of poetry, scripture, etc. that you would like to have included? How might the location be decorated to reflect your life? What is the one thing you would want attendees to walk away knowing about you and who you are? Are there any special objects or photos you would want on display?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Those who are religiously unaffiliated need to think creatively when there\u2019s no church or clergyperson to provide a template for the funeral service, Martin notes. She\u2019s been called on to organize and officiate at funerals for many unaffiliated friends. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWe gather at houses and bars, yoga studios and dance halls, and parks if the weather permits,\u201d she said. \u201cWe bring food to share, cover memory tables with mementoes of our lost loved ones and spread out paper to write our grief. Folks share some songs, some poems, a prayer or two  and multitudes of stories about the deceased.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

You can prepay a funeral home or buy funeral insurance.<\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

The next step is to estimate the cost and plan how it will be paid. <\/span><\/p>\n

Some expenses, such as the cemetery space, may be purchased in advance. Some people choose to prepay for a funeral, which involves making all or most of the decisions about it in consultation with a funeral director, then setting up prepayment, typically in monthly installments made directly to the funeral home. Depending on the plan, prepayment can lock in the price of some of the services or purchases involved in the funeral. <\/span><\/p>\n

But buyers beware. Prepaid funeral plans aren\u2019t well-regulated. While the Funeral Consumers Alliance advocates preplanning, it advises extreme caution in prepaying. If considering that option, ask what happens if the funeral home goes out of business, and whether the dollar value of the prepaid plan is transferable to another funeral home should you move before you die. Also, you\u2019ll lose the price guarantee if your funeral ends up at another funeral home. Read the fine print.<\/span><\/p>\n

Another option to prepare financially is funeral insurance\u2014essentially, a life insurance policy that pays money upon your death to cover funeral, burial and other end-of-life expenses. <\/span><\/p>\n

Without prepayment or insurance, the cost of a funeral is typically paid out of the proceeds of the deceased\u2019s estate. <\/span><\/p>\n

Informing Your Loved Ones<\/b><\/p>\n

The final step of funeral preplanning: share your wishes, preferably in writing, with the family member or trusted friend who will be responsible for arrangements. Update them as needed. You can also file your wishes with the funeral home you\u2019ve chosen. <\/span><\/p>\n

It is possible to name a specific person to handle your funeral arrangements in your will. However, keep in mind that funeral plans are often made before the will is located. It\u2019s important to let the people in your life know who you chose. It\u2019s also possible to legally designate a funeral agent, a person who will handle your funeral arrangements, according to your wishes. This requires written documentation; laws vary by state. Ask an attorney or a local funeral home director for specific guidance. <\/span><\/p>\n

Reardon cautions against expressing wishes \u201cin a vacuum,\u201d without realistic guidance on costs, logistics and applicable laws. He assisted the family of a Boston area man who served at a naval base near the Gulf of Mexico. The man wanted his ashes scattered on a beach there, thinking that would be an easy option for the family. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBut how hard is it to fly everyone to Texas, get the permits to carry the remains and then scatter them on the beach?\u201d Reardon said. \u201cWhat if not everyone could afford it?\u201d  The man\u2019s simple wishes proved to be a headache. <\/span><\/p>\n

Finally, in addition to mapping out your own plans, it’s important to encourage family members to express their wishes. That\u2019s not an easy discussion, but Remembering A Life offers a page on <\/span>how to start the conversation<\/a>.<\/span> <\/span><\/p>\n

One Last Howl<\/b><\/p>\n

Having seen how helpful planning is, Amy Martin has made detailed plans for her own funeral. But hers won\u2019t look anything like her Methodist mother-in-law\u2019s funeral. <\/span><\/p>\n

She and her husband made plans to be cremated, with some of their ashes to be scattered at their Unitarian church\u2019s memorial garden. A prepaid, permanent brass plaque there will memorialize them. Because nature has always been central to her spirituality, Martin designed an outdoor ritual to distribute her remaining ashes, with instructions to ensure it\u2019s done in an environmentally responsible way. She has chosen the music and readings. Also, she wants attendees to howl when they scatter her ashes \u2014something she\u2019s had mourners do at friends\u2019 funerals where she\u2019s served as the officiant. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHowling is a way to let out pent up emotional energy,\u201d she said. <\/span><\/p>\n

Planning also assures Martin that her earth-based spirituality will be honored at her funeral.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cTo me, it\u2019s a matter of caring for the people who will be left behind,\u201d she said. <\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

When Amy Martin\u2019s mother-in-law died last year at the age of 96, the funeral arrangements were easy. Her mother-in-law had discussed her wishes with her two adult children. <\/span><\/p>\n

Read more How to Preplan Your Own Funeral<\/span> ›<\/span><\/a><\/div>\n

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