{"id":7745,"date":"2024-08-06T10:25:36","date_gmt":"2024-08-06T14:25:36","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.silvercentury.org\/?p=7745"},"modified":"2024-08-06T10:25:36","modified_gmt":"2024-08-06T14:25:36","slug":"what-do-you-say-to-someone-with-dementia","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/78.142.243.82\/~silvercentury\/2024\/08\/what-do-you-say-to-someone-with-dementia\/","title":{"rendered":"What Do You Say to Someone with Dementia?"},"content":{"rendered":"

I got a call from my neighbor Marion.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI need to talk to you. My friend Jean was just diagnosed with Alzheimer\u2019s. I want to visit her, but I don\u2019t know what to say to her. What do you say to someone with Alzheimer\u2019s?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

The stigma of Alzheimer\u2019s disease (AD) is so strong, it can lead us to imagine that, once diagnosed, a person changes almost overnight. We can\u2019t help wondering, what will she be like now?<\/span><\/p>\n

I told Marion, \u201cJean will still be Jean. If you just keep that in mind, you\u2019ll be treating her in ways that show that you still value her friendship as you always did. That\u2019s what she needs most right now.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBut,\u201d Marion asked, \u201cshould I say, \u2018I hear you have Alzheimer\u2019s?\u2019\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019d give her a chance to bring it up first. If she doesn\u2019t, try saying, \u2018I heard about your diagnosis. I just want you to know, if you want to talk about it, I\u2019m glad to listen. If not, that\u2019s OK too.\u2019\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

One man, himself recently diagnosed, said, \u201dPeople are not sure how to respond when the topic comes up. Most of them change the subject or attribute my symptoms to aging and say, \u2018I forget things too.\u2019\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Such discomfort is very common and understandable. But tragically, it leads to the person diagnosed being ignored. And it dismisses their very real and frightening trouble remembering.<\/span><\/p>\n

Family members and friends need to know that people diagnosed with AD or any other dementia are sensitive. Their feelings can be hurt, and they are often lonely. Jean needs her friends to be with her, to show her she is still important to them.<\/span><\/p>\n

How we engage people with dementia reveals–often unwittingly\u2014a lot about what we think of them. Are we distracted, because we don\u2019t think they have anything interesting to say, and we\u2019re essentially pretending to listen? Or do we listen actively, letting them know we want to understand, because what they say is important to us?<\/span><\/p>\n

As the disease progresses, people living with dementia need the patience and good listening skills of others because AD may make it increasingly hard for them to communicate. <\/span><\/p>\n

But the people around them face dilemmas they have no preparation for. Many of their natural ways of responding and interacting get them into trouble.<\/span><\/p>\n

Here are some tips to help you avoid unintended outcomes: <\/span><\/p>\n

Don\u2019t say, \u201cDo you remember\u2026?\u201d<\/b> They may not be able to. If you want to reminisce about a time you were together, say, \u201c<\/span>I remember<\/span><\/i> when we went fishing in Maine, and you were the only one who caught a fish!\u201d In that way you may spark a memory without putting them on the spot.<\/span><\/p>\n

Make eye contact<\/b> and listen with all you have. As one woman with AD told her caregivers, \u201cListen with the ears of your heart.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

Don\u2019t interrupt<\/b>, because if you do, the person may not be able to pick up the thread of their thoughts again.<\/span><\/p>\n

Don\u2019t exclude the person<\/b> when you\u2019re having conversations with others. This can happen even though you\u2019re not aware of it. Be proactive about inclusion!<\/span><\/p>\n

Be patient. <\/b>Dementia can make it hard for people to find the right word. You can supply the word if you know it, and they don\u2019t take offense. You might say, \u201cShall I guess?\u201d One woman was so comfortable with her friends that when she was stuck for a word, she could say, \u201cWhat\u2019s that big water thing?\u201d And someone would guess, \u201cThe ocean?\u201d People living with AD sometimes invent new words for common objects or rely on gestures instead of speech. They may take longer to pull their thoughts together. Give them time and quiet; don\u2019t distract them.<\/span><\/p>\n

Don\u2019t argue<\/b>. There\u2019s a maxim in the Alzheimer\u2019s community, \u201cIf you argue with someone with Alzheimer\u2019s, you get what you deserve.\u201d That is, a major meltdown. But more important, by arguing you are eroding their sense of security and their self-esteem\u2014both of which are fragile in view of their many losses. Don\u2019t criticize or correct them, even when you\u2019re obviously right. Just let it go.<\/span><\/p>\n

Don\u2019t condescend<\/b> to them by using elderspeak<\/span>\u2014\u201c<\/span><\/i>Come dearie, let\u2019s get dressed\u201d\u2014or baby-talk. They will rightly be offended.<\/span><\/p>\n

Don\u2019t ask open-ended questions<\/b>. \u201cWhat would you like for dinner?\u201d is unanswerable for someone who can no longer remember which foods one eats at dinner or what they\u2019re called. You can ask instead, \u201cWould you like chicken or spaghetti for dinner?\u201d You\u2019re still giving them a choice, but it\u2019s a choice they can make. When even two choices become too much, say, \u201cI know you love chicken. Shall we have chicken for dinner?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Be honest <\/b>if you don\u2019t understand. Say, \u201cI\u2019m having trouble understanding. Can you help me?\u201d That tells the person you care about what they are trying to say and want to work with them.<\/span><\/p>\n

Following these guidelines will help create a safe and supportive environment where the person with dementia is valued, enabled and included. In such surroundings, they may surprise you with their ability to understand and communicate. <\/span><\/p>\n

Alan Dienstag, PhD, is a psychologist who has worked with people with AD in support groups. He continued to work with one woman long after her language was too impaired to be in a group. But eventually it became harder to connect with her and she seemed to have lost all language. Their last visit was just before he was set to go on vacation to the beach.<\/span><\/p>\n

He knew she loved the seaside too, so he said to her, \u201cAnn, I\u2019m going to the beach. I\u2019m going to be away for a while.\u201d Her face lit up. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do you love about the beach?\u201d he asked. <\/span><\/p>\n

She was quiet for a long time, and he lost hope that she could answer.<\/span><\/p>\n

But then she turned to him and said, \u201cThere\u2019s a certain kind of music there.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I got a call from my neighbor Marion. \u201cI need to talk to you. My friend Jean was just diagnosed with Alzheimer\u2019s. I want to visit her, but I don\u2019t know what to say to her. What do you say…<\/span><\/p>\n

Read more What Do You Say to Someone with Dementia?<\/span> ›<\/span><\/a><\/div>\n

<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7,"featured_media":7746,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"ngg_post_thumbnail":0,"_FSMCFIC_featured_image_caption":"","_FSMCFIC_featured_image_nocaption":"","_FSMCFIC_featured_image_hide":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[79,1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-7745","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-blog","category-voices-views"],"cc_featured_image_caption":{"caption_text":"","source_text":"","source_url":""},"wps_subtitle":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/78.142.243.82\/~silvercentury\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7745","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/78.142.243.82\/~silvercentury\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/78.142.243.82\/~silvercentury\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/78.142.243.82\/~silvercentury\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/7"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/78.142.243.82\/~silvercentury\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=7745"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/78.142.243.82\/~silvercentury\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7745\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":7747,"href":"http:\/\/78.142.243.82\/~silvercentury\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7745\/revisions\/7747"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/78.142.243.82\/~silvercentury\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/7746"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/78.142.243.82\/~silvercentury\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=7745"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/78.142.243.82\/~silvercentury\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=7745"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/78.142.243.82\/~silvercentury\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=7745"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}