{"id":8127,"date":"2025-07-02T08:25:21","date_gmt":"2025-07-02T12:25:21","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.silvercentury.org\/?p=8127"},"modified":"2025-07-02T08:25:21","modified_gmt":"2025-07-02T12:25:21","slug":"reflect-then-respond","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/78.142.243.82\/~silvercentury\/2025\/07\/reflect-then-respond\/","title":{"rendered":"Reflect, Then Respond\u00a0"},"content":{"rendered":"

For simplicity, I\u2019m using male pronouns throughout this blog whenever I refer in general to someone who has dementia. <\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

Here\u2019s what Julie told one of my caregiver support groups the first time she attended:<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cMy husband, Alan, and I used to talk about everything. We could finish each other\u2019s sentences. We never argued. But he\u2019s changed so much, I hardly recognize him. Now it seems we do nothing but argue.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

Relationship problems sometimes accompany early signs of dementia. The easy flow of conversation that has evolved in a longtime partnership begins to hit some snags. <\/span><\/p>\n

Your partner doesn\u2019t seem to listen as he used to. You chalk it up to his being tired or working too hard. But it gets worse. You realize it\u2019s more than inattention when he can\u2019t remember his brother\u2019s phone number and later drives a meandering route to get to the drugstore. Within months, he\u2019s diagnosed with Alzheimer\u2019s disease.<\/span><\/p>\n

Then, with so many factors to consider regarding his safety and independence, it\u2019s easy to overlook the importance of the manner in which you communicate.<\/span><\/p>\n

Let\u2019s return to Julie\u2019s story. After telling the group that she and Alan do nothing but argue, she went on, \u201cI carefully explain everything to him so he won\u2019t be confused. But when I told him the placemats go on the table before the dishes, he blew up at me. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAnd what\u2019s worse, it also happens out in public! At the supermarket, he puts all kinds of things we don\u2019t need in the cart. I try to reason with him and tell him we already have that at home, but he gets furious and makes a big scene. He\u2019s like a 2-year-old!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Heads nodded as group members acknowledged they knew just what she was talking about, having lived through it themselves.<\/span><\/p>\n

Bob offered, \u201cWhen my wife gets angry for reasons I don\u2019t understand, I try to step back and see what <\/span>I\u2019m<\/span><\/i> doing wrong. It\u2019s usually when I\u2019ve carelessly criticized her or tried to correct her. She hates to be told she\u2019s wrong. Once, she got so mad, she punched me in the chest. That hasn\u2019t happened again. I\u2019ve come to see that I can\u2019t change <\/span>her<\/span><\/i>, but I can change what <\/span>I<\/span><\/i> do.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

At that, Julie spoke up again. \u201cThat helps me a lot. Poor Alan, I correct him all day long!\u201d Even her efforts to <\/span>unconfuse<\/span><\/i> Alan were adding to his stress. <\/span><\/p>\n

Things don\u2019t change in one afternoon. It takes many months to put into practice a new way of responding, especially in a relationship of many decades. It\u2019s natural for Julie to expect Alan to act as he always has, and when he doesn\u2019t, to react with critical disbelief. (\u201cWhy in the world are you doing that?\u201d) That\u2019s what makes caring for a family member a particular challenge: your expectations are firmly set.<\/span><\/p>\n

The first thing you need is knowledge. The more you know, the easier it is to accept the fact that things have irrevocably changed. Your loved one is now less able to restrain his impulses or modify his own reactions. The part of his brain that once allowed him to inhibit his less acceptable urges is damaged. He may act on any idea that enters his head. <\/span><\/p>\n

In addition, as his world becomes more confusing, he lives with tremendous anxiety and increasingly relies on his caregiver, physically and emotionally. He\u2019s constantly alert for clues from his environment and the people in it regarding his safety and his sense of self-worth. That\u2019s why he reacts so negatively if you criticize him or argue with him. He feels threatened and helpless if you\u2014<\/span>especially<\/span><\/i> you<\/span><\/i>, his safe harbor\u2014confront him.<\/span><\/p>\n

His only relief from uneasiness comes when he feels loved, valued and secure. That happens when the people around him give only supportive feedback and don\u2019t argue or find fault with him.<\/span><\/p>\n

Yes, he gets a free pass on his impulses, while his family members must strictly govern their own. <\/span><\/p>\n

That\u2019s a tall order in a situation where the unusual becomes usual, or as one caregiver whose father insisted on wearing his bathrobe to church said, \u201cWho ever knew to expect these things!<\/span>\u201d<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

When you do lose your temper, and you will\u2014seeing him put the dirty dishes away in the cabinet, for example\u2014you may be horrified at what your anger unleashes. He may disintegrate into pure rage or abject fear. Or he may weep. In any case, his fragility will be laid bare. <\/span><\/p>\n

It\u2019s very important to keep in mind that his rage is not a symptom of his dementia. <\/span><\/p>\n

It\u2019s a justified reaction to being humiliated. Alan\u2019s anger when Julie disapproved of what he had put in the market basket was righteous indignation.<\/span><\/p>\n

The real symptoms of dementia in those two cases are:<\/span><\/p>\n